APPLES

Cor, Apples! (Or should I say apple cores?)

Now there is a fruit worthy of notice! They come in all sorts of colours from gem-stone ruby-red to cheery yellow to a green that only the immensely seasick could ever hope to recapture!

To be fair you do get lesser quality apples where the colours are less deserving of such praise and tend to be shades most likely found in hospital wards and institutions where people go to “rest away from society - now don’t gnaw your straps again Alfred!” But I’m here to focus on only the very best of the breed. I’m an apple snob through and through!

Apples are great though! Few people are allergic to them, they taste heavenly, they’re a fantastic snack, and they’re all mine, mine, mine!!!! Or they should be anyway...

They look beautiful and inviting, plump and edible! You understand why the old Masters from long ago used to paint them so often! (By paint them I mean paint their likeness on canvas, not literally putting paint on apples, that would be just weird and far more modern arty…)

They feel smooth and slick, with perhaps a few rough areas that actually add, rather than detract, from their appeal. They’re firm and round and fit perfectly in my, I mean, your hand.

And the smell! *swoon* like all the healthy goodness on the planet rolled into one! Like pure, unadulterated appetite! *Drool*

Then comes that crackling, crispy sound as your teeth sink in, meet resistance and then >Ker-Crunch!!!<, bite juicily into the fruit!

And at last, but certainly not least, you’re rewarded with the wildly flavourful tangy flesh as juices fill your mouth to the brim and make you chew and chew and smile and smile, right down to that last, so regrettably last, satisfying bite!

Damn I could so go for an apple right now!!!

STATISTICS!

Statistics are interesting - at least 50% of the time.

And often about as right.

Yet still we find them fascinating. Isn’t it interesting to know that:-

70% of all married couples are unhappy?

91% of all people wearing red shirts prefer a light beverage over a full meal for lunch

2 in 3 of all snails are squint

9 out of 10 doctors recommend every product advertized

And 100% of this is guesswork!

Statistics make everything sound so much more professional! I love hearing guys quote off long reels of statistics, quoting the best ones to other people, ignoring all the ones that don’t support their views and forgetting the whole lot in about ten minutes only to find more that just have to be shared!

I think it stems from childhood and receiving report cards from school telling you what percentage of your subject you actually knew and predicting your whole future based on that.

Art -60% - Shows potential, esp if we can get her to stop eating the crayons.

Math – 72% - with especially strong grasp of statistics.

Biology – 23% - will probably never breed at this rate.

And I love it when statistics change! Which they do quite often, I’m 41% no 81% sure they do! Like the percentage of divorces steadily increase (I contributed to that, praise me!) and the percentage of readers decrease (while the percentage of marshmellow brains increases in leaps and bounds as anyone who has to deal with morning traffic can tell you!)

And in the end we are all statistics! Get hit by a car – become an accident statistic. Avoid the car – stay a living, taxable statistic. Be male, female, other, young, old, in-between, black, white or an alarming green. Your simple existence makes you a statistic in a thousand different books! What the weather could be like; the risk of covering you for insurance; the chances this double fudge cake might not be nature's gift to a healthy lifestyle, (but you’ll ignore that and eat it any way...) There are statistics everywhere and they are nothing if not terribly interesting and delightfully quotable!

That's 100% of pretty much everything I planned to say on the subject!

SOCKS

Okay so this one had to pop up sooner or later. I have been known to rather like socks… *clutches handfuls of the garments to her chest while cackling happily*

But come on! There are few things as really enjoyable as sliding cold feet into a pair of warm, fuzzy socks! Even rather hot, sensitive feet are happy for a pair of socks to deactivate them and comfort them in a snug cotton hug.

Slide those soft socks on and straight away you’re overcome with that delightful, ‘I’ve-accomplished-something-small-but-glorious!’ feeling, and if you don’t wiggle your toes while looking down on them fondly, you can’t possibly be human!

Socks make almost all shoes feel that much more comfortable to boot – pun intended. Admittedly they do look odd with sandals and flip-flops but I have seen people persevering, overcoming all common and fashion sense, to mix the two items of clothing in a volatile mix that brings a tear to your eye and makes you walk the long way around them.

And personally I think mismatching your socks adds just that little bit extra character! I dare you to try wear mismatched socks for a week, and then go back to the drear monotony that is a matching pair!!

Plus you get to foil the sock gremlin in that it won’t ever matter again if your socks match or not, so when the inevitable sock gets kidnapped off to the Land of Lost Laundry it’s not the horror/tragedy it could be!

(Though I do find that when wash day comes around and all my socks are churning happily in the machine, that my drawer seems to be filled with nothing but matching black socks! It seems the sock gremlin is a wily creature indeed…)

Oh and then one of life’s little bonuses! When there’s a smooth, slippy floor and you can go skidding from one side to another with reckless abandonment! You get a little, thrilling ride and the floor gets a nice buffing, it’s a win-win thing.

I’ve sustained some of my best injuries that way!

Socks just add that little extra bit of comfort and pizzazz to daily living!

Socks are Awesome!

PETS

There is one little critter in this world who is always happy to see me. And yes, perhaps that happiness is caused by realization that ‘The big blur what brings food’ is in the room, but, when you think about it, aren’t most relationships built on this in one way or another?

I always worry about people who aren’t keen on pets. Pets give you the kind of unconditional love you don’t even get from another human being! (except serial killers’ mothers, who seem to support their kids above and beyond the call of sanity. But they’re hard to keep in a fish tank…)

Mind you I do understand about people who have allergies, but then even fish can be……… nice…….. (I rather like a good goldfish, they’re hardy little buggers and orange goes surprisingly well with a lot of things! They’re especially good at playing dead! *taps bowl hopefully*)

Pets always give you that warm, snuggly feeling that there is someone waiting for you when you get home. They never whine and complain about the day they’ve had (they leave that up to you) and are always willing to offer a nice furry shoulder to cry on. (Well dogs do. Cats are a bit more dodgy and you’re hard pressed to find a furry shoulder on any non-mammal but I’m sure a lizard would suffer a cuddle or two before it bit you.)

Pets also give you a sense of responsibility, you are responsible for the welfare of that little life. (And if your pets have a tendency to die on you at least you know that kids should probably not feature highly in your future plans.)

My little hamster is something to watch as he bumbles about in his little cage, moving about sawdust or running vast kilometres in his wheel or even sitting in his food bowl after a hard night (hamsters are nocturnal) having a bit of something to nosh and congratulating himself on a job well done!

The sound of him running in his wheel at odd hours at night is very soothing. (Partly because it’s nice to know there is another little life in the room with you and partly because it’s nice to know that little life form is your hamster and not say, a giant rat waiting to go for your throat when you turn the lights off …)

He’s old now, over 2 years old, but with still a certain style and cuteness that only pets seem able to pull off in their old age.

His fur smells like hazelnuts and no you can’t hold him!

I am grateful for my hamster!

SPECIALS

Oh now I know this sounds so womanly, although men are just as guilty but better at hiding it, but I do love a good special at the shops! There’s nothing quite like entering your shopping institution of choice, cash in hand (Or purse, or wallet, or left sock, or wherever you stash it), ready to buy something and then be on your merry, when GASP!

What’s this?!?

Can it be?!?

It’s on SPECIAL!!!!!

Where once you could buy only one you can now suddenly get two!

Or buy one and have enough cash left over to waste on something you didn’t need until

Right.

This.

Second!!!

Oh my! The excitement, I have to sit down… oh wait, I am!

Yes okay, specials are used to draw you in, in the hopes that while you’re there getting your discount haemorrhoid cream you might decide you need to pick up a few other things as well, and end up spending a grand total of 3x more then you expected. Though I like to think that in the end, both you and the shopping centre feeling very satisfied, so is it so bad?

Case in point:-

Yesterday I went out, tra-la-la, expecting to buy a 400g packet of mushrooms.

I like mushrooms.

A lot.

When I walked into the store, I didn’t immediately register the ‘sort-of-hard-to-miss-for-anyone-else’ sign that was advertising the special. (My mind was on other things. I think I was wondering if an elephant’s foot is called a foot? Or a paw? Or a hoof?).

Anyway when I saw that sign a little electric thrill of undiluted joy went jolting down my spine! Oh joy! Oh rapture!!! I ended up walking out with 750g of the things for the same price, feeling like the hunter who was bringing the kill home to my hungry, blood thirsty family! I’d have beat my chest if it wasn’t for the fact my arms were full of fungus bounty!

And yes, while I was there I did pick up one or two other things that I like to think I’d have gotten anyway… eventually!

Those mushrooms tasted extra awesome!

I am very grateful for specials!

BED!

There are so many reasons to be grateful for it! After a long day, be it at the office; or in traffic or after an invasive proctology examination, there is nothing more comforting and delightful then falling face first (once you make sure you’ve cleared it of hard or pokey objects beforehand), into your comfie resting place knowing that you can, even if just for a few minutes, just lie down, relax and let everything go looser then a politicians moral resolve!

That snuggly pillow (or pillows if you’re the decadent type, and you are, aren’t you?). That lovely soft, fluffy (if you’re lucky), blanket! The mattress that welcomes you with open arms that have conformed to every curve and nook of your body! The lovely smell of fresh laundry (or mostly fresh… kinda…) 

There are few places in the world where we feel truly safe and secure and able to let our guard down. In bed we can totally relax. It’s OUR little nest! We leave our vulnerable little body behind and go off on dreaming adventures that have us tossing, turning or drooling warm pillow puddles with joyful abandonment. (Not always appreciated by your bed fellow(s), but they should get over it already).

We go to bed when we’re sick and in need of comfort. We go there when we’re sad or depressed or need a moment to ourselves! Heck even abject joy has us flinging ourselves onto it’s soft, springiness and drumming our legs against it in a fit of Yay yay yay!!!

We also use the bed for sex, one of life’s most vulnerable moments (whether or not you're with someone at the time). We love the bed best because sure going at it on the counter is fun and kinky and all but the bed is a lot softer and you’re less likely to burn your bum on the toaster, I mean who forgets to turn off a toaster?)

I love my bed! It’s small and a bit lumpy but it’s still my favorite place to spend my nights! And it smells like me!

(I smell nice).

Bed’s ROCK! (sometimes literally when the legs are wobbly. Or descriptively when the mattress is so hard it makes diamonds feel insecure!)

I am very grateful for my bed.